Impending heartbreak

AF is on her way, I can just feel it. Fucking heartbreak. Every. Damn. Month. One would think I would stop getting my hopes up, but I just can’t seem to prevent it. One side of my brain is logical and says, there’s no way BUT the other stupid side holds onto a tiny shred of hope. And every month that tiny shred rips my heart apart. 

On a positive note I came home late from school because of conferences and even though I was hungry and sad about AF arriving any minute, I stuck with my eating goals. I wanted to have ice cream for dinner, or pasta or anything but more veggies but I reminded myself that the more weight I lose the better for me and my future babies; so I was able to stick with it. Go me! 

I’m dying for some chocolate. 

Be well!

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Clomid and dark confessions

I took Clomid for the first time this cycle. It has been an interesting experience. At first I was freaked out about taking it, I mean really weirded out about it. I couldn’t get over the feeling that I was somehow cheating if I took fertility drugs. I guess in my screwed up mind I still figure I am being punished by the universe and that’s why I can’t get pregnant and have a baby. I also couldn’t shake the notion that if I just lost enough weight I would get pregnant naturally. I know this is naive but like I’ve mentioned before I have been pregnant before, so I know it’s possible. Fortunately I have some very wise friends who talked me out of my panic over taking Clomid. I figured I would probably suffer from headaches or other side-effects since I tend to be fairly sensitive to medications and I tend to have lots of headaches anyway (before I changed my eating habits). I seemed to tolerate the actual pills fine. I did have a bitch of a headache on CD 10 when I stopped taking the pills. 

After I got over my panic about taking Clomid, I started to get excited about seeing the line on the OPK that said you are ovulating. I have only had one OPK show a positive and even though it’s silly because its not a HPT positive, I was still sort of excited to experience this. It’s the little things, right? I started testing on CD 12, on CD 14 with still no sign of a positive, I started testing twice a day. Nothing. This is what I get for being excited about something. I have read tons of info on OPKs, when to test, when not to test, etc. FINALLY on CD 19, I get a positive. WHAT? This can’t be right. It’s too close to the end of my cycle… Even though I have PCOS, I have extremely regular cycles; usually between 28-30 days. If implantation doesn’t happen until approximately six days after fertilization, it seems to me ovulating on CD 20/21 is way to late. I’m sure anything is possible but it just seems odd to me. 

Clomid also seemed to screw with my CM, I was told to take Mucinex to combat this but that just seemed to dry everything up. It’s dry enough here, already, my nose cracked on the inside which was fun. In addition to that I have given up dairy, which reduced my mucus production to zero as well. So I guess that not having any boogers is the least of my problems but it was just a weird thing.

So despite only being 5 DPO (supposedly) I am feeling crampy and like I am going to start my period at any minute. Fun times. I was warned that Clomid would make me experience lots of early pregnancy symptoms, but those symptoms are pretty much the same as AF symptoms, so who the hell knows what is going on. I was extremely nauseous this morning but if we did manage to get pregnant, implantation hasn’t even occurred yet, so the nausea is just a fun little mind fuck courtesy of my screwed up body.

On top of all the Clomid weirdness, I have been having bad dreams at 3 a.m. which prevent me from going back to sleep and I seem to be seeing my ex-boyfriend everywhere (it’s not him but people who look like him). Normally I wouldn’t be “seeing” J (the ex) everywhere but unfortunately most of my bad dreams have been about him. Here is the dark confession: I was pregnant in 2009 but had an abortion. I know this may upset/offend some people and if you want to stop reading my blog I will understand. I dated J for a year and broke up with him about a week after he proposed to me. There were many reasons but suffice to say, it just wasn’t a good match for me. He was/is an very kind and generous person who treated me like a queen but we didn’t have the same level of motivation in life. He was 30-something and still living in his mom’s trailer and barely working. I had a career and was working on a master’s degree. Anyway, we split in January 09 but remained friends. In May I was out with some people from work and got totally trashed. We had the day off from school and spent the afternoon drinking. I have NEVER been so drunk in all my life. I called J to come and pick me up, he was the only person I could think of at the time, who wasn’t at work. He took me home, I threw-up for a few hours. That is all I remember. Honestly. This is the one and only time I have ever blacked out completely. I partied pretty hard in college, did plenty of drugs and drinking but never have I ever blacked out. Apparently, he spent the night in bed with me, because he was there when I woke up the next morning. As soon as I woke up, I knew we had had sex. I asked him and he said “yeah, don’t you remember?” Fuck you, no I don’t remember. WHY didn’t you use a condom you asshole? You know where they are!! I was almost more upset about that fact than the fact that he took advantage of me. Weird reaction, I guess on some level I thought I deserved it.

So that is how I ended up pregnant, I was sexually assaulted by my ex, while I was drunk. That’s it, a one time shot. This is why I can’t get over the feeling I am being punished by the universe. I chose to have an abortion, I am not ashamed of that decision, it was the right one for me to make at that time. I was in the process of buying my house as a single teacher and finishing up grad school. I was not in a position to be a single mom. I had ZERO desire to co-parent with someone who betrayed me on such a deep level. I never became attached to the baby. I tried, but I just couldn’t make it happen. I was lucky, I had the complete support of my parents and several close friends. I will say I almost punched the doctor at my follow-up appointment. He looked at me and said in a condescending voice, “You know, you really should be on birth control.”

So, that’s my story… if you made it all the way through this post you deserve a medal or at least a cookie. 

Thanks for listening.

Be well!

Dexter wins

Hello friends!

I have a ton to write about but my husband just came home early from work. We have season 4 of Dexter on DVD from the library and it’s due soon. Sadly, for you, I am going to watch Dexter with my husband. I will hopefully have time to blog tomorrow night. In the mean time:

I have lost 9 pounds and 2 1/2 inches from my waist. I went out of town this past weekend and ate whatever I wanted, which was fantastic. I have been doing noting but obsessing about my food intake for the last month, so being able to eat freely was great. I did find myself making better choices than I would have previously, but I did splurge. One thing was interesting, even though things tasted pretty good, I could tell the difference in how I felt. It was the first time in a looooong time that I was uncomfortably full from eating. And I didn’t even eat that much. So more confirmation that reducing my intake of sugar, wheat, alcohol and processed foods is a good choice, although a difficult change mentally. 

I ran a 10K on Saturday, which felt great. I haven’t been able to train much because my knee has been screwed up and I am too cheap to go back to the orthopedic. It gives me hope that I will be able to run the half-marathon next month. 

Ok, that’s the short version. On deck is my concerns about this cycle, the Clomid and late ovulation. I know you all are on the edge of your seats for that one. 

Be well!

honesty is hard

So, I told you, my dear readers, I would get into the specifics of my dietary changes and I don’t think I have yet. SO here it is: Any processed food is off the table. By processed foods, I mean anything that is packaged, period. I can still have a few condiments like mustard, vinegar, mayo but that’s about it. No dairy, wheat, gluten, sugar, caffeine, alcohol, fruit or starchy vegetables (potatoes, yams, peas, corn, etc.). No grains either, no brown rice, quiona or oats. Essentially I can eat lean protein and vegetables and healthy fats. I am now about half-way through week three. It has gotten easier, much easier. I have tried to change my ideas about this plan. Instead of feeling sorry for myself and how I can’t eat what everyone else eats; I have tried to think about it like a challenge. I have been following the recipes in the cookbook and also adapting them to fit my own tastes. If you missed the first blog, I am following a program laid out in The Blood Sugar Solution. 

Admittedly this is pretty extreme but I had tried everything else to no avail. I HAVE seen results in the almost three weeks I have been doing this, I have lost almost 7 pounds. I have had fewer headaches, my skin has cleared up, I have not had any horrible food cravings and I had almost no PMS symptoms this month. AF totally surprised me because I didn’t have my usual week-long headache, mood swings or bloating. I don’t have mood swings during the day anymore, if I don’t get a chance to eat, I do get hungry but I don’t turn into a total bitch like I used to. It’s been an interesting journey so far. These changes will become slightly less strict at the end of the first six weeks. I will be able to add in fruit, whole grains and a few other things but mostly these changes are supposed to be my new “normal”.

Here is where the honesty gets more difficult. I cheated last night and today… Last night I had two corn tortillas with my dinner and tonight I had 12 tortilla chips and a few pieces of “pub mix”. I know most people wouldn’t necessarily view this as a cheat but it is. The tortillas were delicious and totally worth it. The chips, which are one of my most favorite things, honestly were MEH. The pub mix tasted gross. The reason this is so hard is because I am being forced to change almost everything I have believed about food, happiness and my relationship with food. These are not easy changes, in fact they have sort of rocked me to the core. 

I have been overweight but “healthy” most of my life. By healthy, I mean i grew up eating brown rice and steamed veggies, shredded wheat and things like that. I was eating quinoa before it was cool or mainstream. My husband and I make almost everything from scratch and we eat fairly well. I always knew my portions were too big and just figured that was why I was overweight. I LOVE food, I find comfort and joy in food. I knew this was bad but until I embarked on this journey, I didn’t realized how addicted to food I was and how hopeless I would feel without the foods I loved. The surprising thing today was that I didn’t seem to love them quite as much. In fact I got half way through my 12 tortilla chips (and yes I counted them) and forgot I was even eating them. Weird!

I have had friends comment on how maybe I should have given up things slowly, it would have been easier. I disagree, it’s too easy to slide back into old habits. In taking everything off the table all at once it forced me to think completely differently about food which has been a really good and empowering thing.

The one thing that has kept me on track is the hope that bringing my body back into balance and losing weight will eventually help us get pregnant, it can’t hurt, right? After reading other’s posts, this makes me feel naive but I still can’t lose hope. I know its possible for me to become pregnant. I’ve been pregnant before but that topic is for another day. 

SO here I am, on my first day of clomid, still hoping that my body will wake up and participate in my biggest dream. I’ll stay tuned, maybe you will too…

dear you

This is in response to a post by Dogs Aren’t Kids

 

I don’t know you and I don’t presume to know you and what you are going through. I DO know that it sounds very much like what I struggle with; so I am sharing my experiences in hopes that it may help you. It may not help today (nothing usually helps when you are in the black hole) and it may not ever help but here it is for what it’s worth. I apologize if this is in any way out of line or inappropriate.

 

You are not alone. Let me say that again, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I know it feels that way, I feel that way all the time. Despite my incredibly caring husband and some really great friends and an amazingly supportive family, I feel like I am alone almost all the time. When I am depressed I often find myself looking at a situation and thinking “I should be feeling _______ right now” but I don’t. I don’t feel anything except lost and desperately lonely and completely and utterly numb. When I am in the black hole I can’t even be sad that I am sad, it’s just a completely blank feeling.

 

Seeing a therapist has helped some. I really like her approach but it may not be for everyone. She is more of a behavioral therapist type. We don’t spend countless hours talking about why I am the way I am or examining that incident from when I was 7 and how that trauma has affected me. Her approach is all about learning new behaviors to replace the ones that are not serving my current purpose. She doesn’t judge my behaviors or tell me how deeply messed up I am, I have come to that all on my own. She simply helps me identify what behaviors or thought patterns I don’t like and gives me new skills to use instead. This approach has worked well for me but hasn’t necessarily helped me with my depression. I guess this is a really LONG way of saying, don’t give up if you try a therapist and don’t like it, there are many approaches out there and you have to find the one that works for you.

 

My grandmother suffered from depression, my father (her son) suffers from depression and so do I. My dad takes meds and I’m positive it has saved his life but I know he HATES that fact that he has to take them. I have refused to go down that road, yet. I guess I always thought it would make me a failure (I thought that way about therapy too but it has been a great thing for me so far). In my screwed up mind I figure I should be able to handle it. So many other people have worse circumstances than I do and they don’t need meds. I should be able to just snap myself out of it. The problem is that I can’t just snap out of it or get over it or pretend to be happy, it’s just not possible for me. There is one thing that I have found above all else that has kept me from the soul-crushing, completely encompassing, life-sucking black hole of depression. It’s probably not something you will want to hear because I know anytime someone said this to me I wanted to do violent things to them but it has turned out to be true, for me. I still have bad times, I haven’t been able to get away from depression completely but it has reduced the number of episodes and has made the ones I have had not quite as extreme as they used to be. My secret? Exercise. I know. I am pretty sure you will stop reading now. I hate exercise too. I don’t like getting ready for it, I dread it all the way to the gym, I especially hate it when I am in the middle of it but AFTER, I am really, really glad I have done it. I have been pretty consistent over the last year and it has helped tremendously (I’m still bitter and sarcastic as hell but less depressed). One thing that has helped me stay with it is having a partner to cheer me on and check in with me. My partner lives in a different city, so we don’t work out together but we encourage each other through texts. Sometimes I still want to kill her when she is overly peppy or happy but it still helps me get my ass off the couch and back into my workout clothes.

 

If you ever want or need me to I would be happy to be that person for you. I know I am a complete stranger and you can go ahead and block me or unfollow me or whatever but I couldn’t let this post go by without offering some sort of a life line. I know it’s almost impossible when you can’t decide what you want or if you want something because depression has sucked everything good out of you. I am sure I am not the only person in your support network to offer help but I wanted you to know that no matter how deeply you feel alone, you are not alone and I am offering you whatever kind of help you want or need. 

no internet at home

So faithful readers, oh wait it’s just me…

Well just in case someone ends up here by mistake:

I have no internet access at home right now, I would blog at work but I spent the day figuring out Twitter on the clock. I do have tests to finish adminisering and then we have a school-wide event tonight.

I am doing pretty amazing actually, especially after the incredibly fucked-up week I had last week. The eating this is going well, still insane but I am trying to see it as a challenge, not a punishment. I am feeling better and seeing results, which is encouraging. I still find it hard to believe I followed eating guidelines for “normal people” AND was working out 4-6 days a week for an ENTIRE YEAR and saw zero results. Seriously? It’s not enough that I am IF?! Fuck you genes, fuck you “normal” guidelines.

In other news: after my OB shredded me and essentially blamed me for still being overweight and IF, he gave me some Clomid. It’s scaring the shit out of me. I know I should be happy because I was convinced a few months ago that this would be the answer. Well first I was convinced if I just lost weight I would magically start ovulating on my own, then I was convinced that Clomid was the answer. Now I’m just scared. I know what it means if this doesn’t work. Maybe it will but maybe it won’t and that’s the scariest part of it all. Damn.

I wish I could get over feeling like I am being ounishd by the universe.

A simple yet profound realization

First, I have to say that watching My 600-lb Life is great motivation to ignore the fact that I have been hungry since yesterday afternoon. It’s not bored hungry; I’m stomach growling, light headed when I stand up, hungry! Dinner last night was tasty and satisfying but just didn’t keep me full for very long. I know there will be a few days of this, I have definitely been down this road many times before.

Since I have been hungry since yesterday, getting up at 4:30 this morning after only getting 5 hours of sleep and going to the gym to run and lift weights made me CRANKY. Seriously cranky. I was working out my biceps and having a silent pity party for myself that went something like this: This is so unfair. Why do I have to make all the sacrifices? I’m so hungry. I was perfectly happy eating what I want to eat…hold on a minute, back up the bus. I was happy eating what I want to eat. Um, no. I am not happy. I am really unhappy. I am tired of looking at all the clothes in my closet that don’t fit comfortably because of my weight. I am devastated that I haven’t been able to have a baby. Losing some wight is no guarantee that I will be able to get pregnant on my own but it’s worth a shot!

So my simple realization: I was not happy eating whatever I wanted. I will be happy when my body reflects my actual fitness level and I can button my pants without worrying they will be tight. I will be happy when I don’t have constant headaches and acne. I AM HAPPY that I love and respect myself enough to challenge my beliefs about food and what makes me happy.

 

In other news I get to attend a baby shower on Saturday. I will smile and try to avoid the dreaded “your next” conversations. I am truly happy for my friend she is a sweet lady and will be a great mom. My normal reaction to baby showers is hugely negative and I normally avoid them like the plague. It’s so painful but this time I agreed to go, so maybe I’m making progress. I am still debating about the gift. I am afraid to go shopping in the baby isle bursting into tears in public is something I’ve done before on many occasions and don’t really want to chance it. On the other hand, maybe it will help me push through this awful first week of not enough food… We’ll see how the week goes!

Take care of you!